My testimony

This is my story of becoming a child of God.

I must admit I am nervous to write this story.

And even more nervous to share my story.

I’d like to leave out major parts of this story.

But God has clearly put it on my heart to write it.

And to share it.

That’s a true honor and a blessing.

So here it is.

I’m not proud of how I came to know God. But I am grateful and I’m thinking maybe there are other people who came to God in ways that they are not proud of. It shows God’s love and compassion. His mercy and forgiveness. His faithfulness and grace. God keeps His promises. God’s Word is fully true.

It’s God’s goodness.

Sharing God’s goodness.

That is what my blog is about. So I pray I will do that in sharing my story of God’s goodness.

I was living in darkness and sin and God had me meet someone at a critical point in my life. I was just graduating from college, and my plan for my life was just getting started. She asked me if I had a relationship with God. I told her I believe in God yes. She asked me if I’d like to come to church with her. I said sure. God had a plan.

And WOW! I was completely overcome by emotions and feelings at the church service. I loved it. I felt so welcomed. It was amazing. The sermon just spoke to my heart. God was drawing me in.

She asked if I’d like to come to a home bible study that she did with her friends. I said sure. And WOW! I was completely overcome by emotions and feelings at that bible study. I felt so welcomed. It was amazing. Being with other people struggling just felt good in my heart. God was working.

I started going to get together’s in this group and hanging out with them. I couldn’t believe how good it felt to be around them, they just had so much hope. They stood out to me as having something very special. And they were not judgmental of me in any way. God was showing me the life of a believer, fellowship, and community.

One night after we had all gotten together, my friend and I were talking alone and she asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my personal Savior. I was very surprised in the moment. I had no plans of doing that that night. But I believe God put it in my heart to do it. Part of me wanted to do it. I was learning about God and was fascinated by all I was experiencing about God. But there was still part of me that wasn’t fully sure it would be real. There was still part of me that hesitated. I was not fully sure.

She asked me if I wanted to pray a prayer of salvation together and become saved. She told me everything it meant to be saved. The Gospel message. It was very clear. Part of me wanted to and part of me still didn’t believe it would “work” for me. I thought “there’s no way God could forgive and accept me after all the sin in my life”. But I went ahead and did it. I prayed God would forgive me through Jesus paying for my sins and save me.

In the moment, I wondered if I had done it “correctly”. Did I really believe it fully? Honestly, I didn’t feel I did. But I really had no idea what I was supposed to feel. I do know part of me wanted to believe it. I wanted to be rescued. I knew I needed to be rescued.

And I was rescued. 

God took my prayer as belief and He saved me.

I became his child forever in the moment of that prayer.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

{NOTE: this is a crucial and defining part in my story. I did not truly realize that I became a believer on this date until somewhat recently…the last few years. God revealed it to me. I put it in here because that is what actually happened back then. I was saved that night. But I did not fully understand that at the time.  And I will get to that as I share more of my story}

After that, my friend offered for us to get together so I could start to learn more about God and she could help me through it. Honestly, I was blown away by the thoughtfulness of her offer. That she would want to take the time to help me. Today I realize that was her wanting to disciple me. And she did…for a very short while.

It wasn’t long before life took over and I started to want my own plans. My own ideas. My own priorities. My own way of doing things. My old way of doing things.

As I’ve said in my entires. Me. Me. Me. I love to follow Me.

So that is what I did.

I walked away from God…

I’m crying as I write this because I know where my path led to.

Destruction.

Disaster.

Darkness.

That is true tragedy.

That is sorrow.

That is grieving.

That is what happened.

I wanted my way.

And God let me have it.

I went back living my life my way.

Suffering.

Sadness.

Sin.

Rebellion.

That’s what I chose and that’s what I got.

And I decided I would keep it.

And I did.

For about 20 years…

So there it is.

My testimony Part One

Follow God and Write from your Heart,

Kendra

Thankfully the break was not the full 20 ish years, but sadly it was most of it. 

I’ll get into all of that in this entry though.

For some reason, I’m struggling to write this part. And I’m not sure why. I’ve put off writing this so many times. I don’t feel good about writing it honestly. Very odd. This part of my story isn’t even the worst parts that I want to avoid. But there must be some reason…well I’m going to ignore my feelings and just get started.

I mentioned before that I walked away from God a few months after my friend introduced me to Jesus.

Wait…..

It’s sadness. That is why I’m avoiding writing this.

God never left me, but I most certainly left Him.

Heartbreaking. Tragic.

I’m now understanding why I didn’t want to face this. It just now dawned on me.

This was BY FAR the most costly time of me leaving God. Part of me wants to stop writing and process all of this. Pray and talk to God about it. Grieve.

Grieve the INSURMOUNTABLE LOSS. I just want to sit and cry. Cry with God over everything that was lost. It’s more significant than I can put into words.

Maybe I should try to keep writing though. Maybe it’ll be healing. Maybe it’ll draw me closer to God.

So here it is…

Yes, I did walk away after I had been meeting with my believer friend. I think the reasons for me walking away are the same core reasons every time.

I refuse to believe God has the best plan.

I refuse to believe God will take care of me.

So I come up with my own solutions. Me solutions. Worldly solutions. Sinful solutions. Foolish solutions. Rebellious solutions. Prideful solutions. As God’s child, I do not need to have any solutions of my own. 

I thought I had a solution for a plan for my life, so I got started implementing it. One of the biggest issues is that I am usually extremely “successful” in my plans. Evil can assist in prospering my plans. As long as I am not following God, that is all the devil really cares about. He knows the destruction it will lead to…which is his goal.

I got started with some life changing decisions. I can tell you now looking back, God can use ANY decision to bring about good for His children. And in His UNFATHOMABLE grace and mercy He has!

After a few years went by following of my plan, it was clear that my plan wasn’t all I thought it would be. And God used my circumstances to draw me back to Him. I decided it was time to go back to church. To go back to God. I thought it would be good for me.

Wait.

Hmmmm interesting. That is most definitely a pattern in my life. I can already see it as I write this. My worldly plan not working out and God using that to bring me back to Him. And the phrase not working out really is far too light to describe many of the phases of my life. I think words like darkness, destruction, and desperation are a better fit.

Anyways…

I was so happy to come back to God. I felt so much that is where I needed to be. Getting back to God was so wonderful to me. And it was….while it lasted.

I started growing more. Searching more. I made some Christian friends at my church and got involved. I was learning so much about God. I felt I was making the best decisions for my life.

I had such hope again. 

Wait.

That is also a pattern in my journey. Having hope come falling down from Heaven upon me after I had messed things up. Praise you God for showing me all this as I write.

And the TRAGEDY of giving it away again. 

Anyways…

The timelines are a bit vague, but I think this part of my story lasted about a few years or so. I felt my future was leading to somewhere good for me.

It was amazing having God in my life again…until I decided to walk away…

After some circumstances arose that forced me to choose God or choose me…I chose Me.

I didn’t fully believe God or trust Him enough to stay. As soon as I get scared about my future…I am GONE. I WILL take over. How prideful I can be is humbling. And wrong - very wrong.

Wait.

Another pattern. Wow is this a big one. Possibly the biggest. In my past, when put to the test, I chose myself over God - because I was too afraid to trust God and follow Him.

When in reality, true fear IS leaving God to follow myself. There can be nothing more dangerous and risky than that.

Anyways…

This is the turning point that caused the most tragedy in my life. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown even thinking about it all. It’s too much…I can’t face it.

Guilt. I feel guilt like I cannot describe. I’m crying so much I can barely keep writing.

I feel I need to let go of this guilt. How do I do that? I do not feel as God’s child, I am meant to hold on to this. This is not from God. This is from the devil.

I have genuinely repented. I have asked for forgiveness. I have Jesus. Guilt has been defeated at the cross for me.

God, please RESCUE ME with your healing MIRACLES from this guilt the devil is trying to harm me with. God, please help me understand that I AM FREE from this by Jesus dying on the cross for me. And defeating sin by rising again in TRIUMPHANT VICTORY for ME.

It is time to let this go.

I MUST let this go.

I want to let this go.

God, help me let this go. 

I cannot do this on my own. I need you God.

Honestly, I do not have anything more to say at the moment.

I have already said it.

I’ll pick this back up “after the break”

Until next time…

Testimony entry Two

Follow God and Write from your Heart,

Kendra